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Unhealthy Attachment in Relationships: Recognizing the Red Flags

"The red flags are usually there, you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart"

- April Mae Monterrosa

Relationship is toxic

In any romantic relationship, it is natural to form a strong bond and develop a sense of attachment to your partner. However, when this attachment becomes unhealthy, it can lead to codependency, possessiveness, and even emotional or physical abuse. In this blog, we will explore the signs of unhealthy attachment in relationships and discuss the importance of recognizing and addressing these issues early on.

What are the signs?

Constant Need for Validation:

One of the key signs of an unhealthy attachment is an excessive need for validation from your partner. If you constantly seek reassurance, approval, or validation of your worth from your significant other, it may indicate a lack of self-confidence or an unhealthy reliance on their opinion to define your self-worth. Healthy relationships are built on mutual support and encouragement, not constant validation seeking. Being able to give yourself that reassurance that you seek from others and not rely on others to tell you that you are lovable.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness:

Jealousy is a normal emotion to some extent, but when it becomes excessive and leads to possessiveness, it can be detrimental to a relationship. Unhealthy attachment often manifests as controlling behaviors, such as forbidding your partner from spending time with friends or constantly checking their phone or social media accounts. Another one that I have heard is "You're a married woman, you shouldn't be going on with friends" or "your family is too toxic for you". Trust is an essential ingredient in any healthy relationship, and possessiveness destroys that trust. Remember you are still an individual even when you are in a relationship. You are not the property of anyone.

Fear of Abandonment:

Individuals with unhealthy attachments often have an intense fear of abandonment. This fear can lead to clingy behavior, constant reassurance-seeking, or even emotional manipulation to prevent their partner from leaving. I experienced this with my ex-husband while I was a student pursuing my masters degree. He would say to me "you're just going to leave me once you get your degree". While everyone experiences a fear of losing their loved ones to some extent, it becomes unhealthy when it dominates your thoughts and actions, ultimately suffocating the relationship. This can also lead to you over doing things to avoid being "abandoned".

Lack of Personal Boundaries:

Unhealthy attachments often blur the boundaries between partners, leading to enmeshment. In such relationships, personal space and individuality are compromised, and one or both partners may lose their sense of identity. Partners may become overly dependent on each other and may not be able to make decisions for themselves. Your partners identity and likes may become your own to where you forget about your own. Maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for individual growth and maintaining a balanced, thriving relationship. Continuing to engage in your own hobbies and activities that make you happy.

Emotional Roller Coaster:

Unhealthy attachments can create emotional roller coasters, where one moment you feel on top of the world, and the next you are filled with anxiety and despair. Or one moment everything is perfect but the next is completely horrible where you question the relationship. This emotional instability can stem from a fear of losing your partner or an over-reliance on their presence for emotional stability. In a healthy relationship, both partners support and uplift each other consistently, without the extreme emotional highs and lows.


Recognizing and addressing unhealthy attachment patterns in relationships is crucial for personal growth and the overall well-being of both partners. It is essential to foster a sense of independence, establish healthy boundaries, and prioritize open communication. Communicate with your partner if you feel that your relationship might have an unhealthy attachment. Seeking professional help, such as couples therapy or individual counseling, can be beneficial in addressing and overcoming these unhealthy attachment patterns. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on trust, mutual respect, and the freedom to grow as individuals while maintaining a strong bond.

To learn more, visit the Imperfect Mellow Podcast :

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Relationship Green Flags & Red Flags + Better Communication Worksheet to help with identifying relationship green & red flags. Info sheet on better communication strategies.

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Welcome to my blog!

This is where we get real about how we can reframe our thinking and negative beliefs about ourselves. A casual self-empowerment blog all about self awareness and self-care. 

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