How Does Childhood Neglect Impact Birthdays in Adulthood?
"Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new"- Sammy Hagar
It was the week of my birthday and as I usually do, I planned to take half of the week off from work. I didn't have any plans and felt like it came by so fast that I didn't have time to plan anything. I also didn't feel like doing anything because I had just been recovering from being sick. To my surprise, my co-workers planned a small birthday dinner together that we ate in our office break room. They got me a small cake, some cards, and some Chinese takeout. Later that night, as I walked to my car to go home, I noticed birthday decor hanging from my car. My work partner had decorated my car with balloons, streamers, and "happy birthday" magnetic letters. I was honestly very surprised and of course thankful for the sweet gestures, but I couldn't help but feel a little odd. To a lot of people, this may just sound like a typical birthday celebration but to people like me, who experienced childhood neglect, situations like these trigger a (sort of?) freeze response. It's difficult to explain but it's like an automatic response to stress where you put fight or flight on pause because you are overwhelmed with anxiety or don't feel safe. I felt like I just didn't know how to react or how to take everything in.
To a lot of people, this may just sound like a typical birthday celebration but to people like me, who experienced childhood neglect, situations like these trigger a (sort of?) freeze response.
Anniversary Reaction
As I drove home that night, I completely lost it. I was finally in the safety of my car by myself, and everything just came crashing down. I started to feel guilty like I was some bad person. All these thoughts started flowing in: Was I being ungrateful? Did I say thank you enough? But I also started questioning why I felt like I didn't deserve to be celebrated and why I didn't know how to be celebrated. I started feeling sorry for myself for not being able to accept nice things being done for me or not knowing how.
Birthdays are often seen as joyful milestones—a time to celebrate, receive love, and reflect on another year of life. But for many trauma survivors, birthdays can be a source of deep discomfort, anxiety, or even emotional shutdown. This reaction, often described as a "freeze response," can be confusing and frustrating, especially when societal expectations emphasize celebration and happiness. Understanding why this happens can help survivors navigate their emotions with greater self-compassion.
The Link Between Trauma and the Birthday Freeze Response
The freeze response is a form of emotional numbing or shutdown that can occur when a trauma survivor’s nervous system perceives a threat or trigger. Trauma rewires the brain’s response to stress, and certain dates—like birthdays—may be subconsciously linked to past painful experiences. This can result in feelings of dread, dissociation, or emotional paralysis.
Here are some common reasons birthdays may be difficult for trauma survivors:
Past Negative Experiences – If past birthdays were associated with neglect, abuse, abandonment, or disappointment, the brain may associate birthdays with pain rather than joy.
Unmet Expectations – Society places pressure on birthdays to be a day of happiness and celebration. When a person feels disconnected from this expectation, it can heighten feelings of loneliness, sadness, or self-judgment.
Triggers and Flashbacks – For some, birthdays might coincide with traumatic anniversaries, serving as a painful reminder of past events.
Fear of Attention or Vulnerability – Birthdays often bring social attention, which can feel overwhelming or unsafe for individuals with a history of trauma, especially if they have struggled with self-worth.
A Sense of Loss or Unworthiness – Some survivors may struggle with feelings of undeservingness, believing they are not worthy of love or celebration.
Coping Strategies for the Birthday Freeze Response
If you or someone you know struggles with the birthday freeze response, there are ways to navigate these difficult emotions with self-care and understanding.
Validate Your Feelings – Acknowledge that your emotions are valid. There is no right or wrong way to feel about birthdays.
Set Your Own Boundaries – If a big celebration feels overwhelming, opt for a quiet day or a simple ritual that feels comforting.
Create New Traditions – Redefining how you celebrate your birthday can help shift associations from painful memories to positive ones.
Seek Support – Talking to a therapist, close friend, or support group can help process difficult feelings surrounding your birthday.
Practice Self-Compassion – Remind yourself that healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time.
Final Thoughts
If birthdays bring up difficult emotions for you, know that you are not alone. Healing from trauma is a nonlinear process, and it’s okay to approach birthdays in whatever way feels best for you. Whether you choose to celebrate in your own way, acknowledge the day quietly, or simply treat it as any other day, your feelings are valid. Most importantly, you deserve kindness—on your birthday and every other day of the year.
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